THE PARROT INDEX (2014)
How to determine you're certifiable:
A1. 30 points for calling yourself a true scientist without having anything to show for it. I.e. never published one of your own findings, or continuously fail to make any contributions. (Regardless whether you're right or wrong.) A 10 point bonus if sucking up to Einstein is your only lifetime achievement.
A2. 10 points for each postulate you repeat & support without having full comprehension.
A3. 20 points for considering each independent scientist a crackpot by default.
A4. 10 points for denying people like Einstein, Newton, Bohr and Higgs are fallible human beings.
A5. 20 points if you have the arrogance to call bullshit in a discussion without any arguments, or for trying to silence your opponents. (I.e. commenting in the order of "go back to school before you post shit".) 10 additional points for each insult you squeeze in, or usage of foul language.
A6. 20 points for pressing that Newton's laws don't work on objects of nanoscale size, but nonetheless resort to classical mechanics at will yourself.
A7. 30 points for thinking you can decipher our universe with math only, without including the underlying mechanism.
A8. 10 points if despite parroting time is a dimension, you express it in hours & minutes instead of yards & inches. (LxBxHxT)
A9. 25 points for each dimension over 3. (For instance, believing 11 dimensions adds 200 points.)
A10. 10 points for each elementary particle over 1. (So if you think there are 61 elementary particles, add 600 points to your score.)
A11. 10 points for rejecting the divine world, yet claiming that in an infinite universe there must be extraterrestrials with superior minds. (As if this is not the same.)
A12. 50 points for believing in wormholes.
A13. 10 points for each nag about my grammar.
A14. 100 points if you fell for the Higgs Hoax. 100 additional points if you didn't know who Peter Higgs was, prior to CERN's alleged discovery of the Higgs boson.
A15. 0 points if you're pissed at me for bursting your bubble. (Free of charge.)
A total score of 200 points or more means you should go shopping for bird food.
Additional hints on how to uphold your delusional status as scientist:
B1. It's far easier to defend mainstream science, than writing your own papers: Don't make a contribution and never stick your head out. Be safe. Doing so, the vast scientific establishment will support you. Publish your own stuff, and the establishment may turn against you.
B2. Spend your life studying and repeating the works of others. Most important; repeat their mistakes as well. I.e. in addition to the factual outcomes of experiments done before you, copy all associated premature conclusions too.
B3. Join the witch hunt against individual scientists. No need to investigate their work or make an assessment. The odds are always against the "crackpot", so why bother?
B4. Learn the Crackpot Index by heart (author John Baez), and prefer it over reasoning.
B5. Limit yourself to spreading mathematical equations (which aren't yours, of course). The more complex the better. You don't need to understand the mathematical jibber jabber you present; simply bringing it to the table makes you look smart and win the pissing contest!
B6. Convince people there's an alternative rule set for quantum mechanics. A rule set only understood by insiders like yourself, and not by the plebs you're trying to impress ;)
B7. Anything that confuses the average laymen helps you uphold your status. Use complex and smart sounding quotes to daze and distract.
B8. Although the universe can only be infinite (if it's limited, then what else can be on the other side of the border but vastness?), you still expect proof. An endless universe automatically means endless Earth-like biosphere's, but yet again, demand proof.
B9. Unless CERN reveals pictures of a bearded man on a cloud throwing bolts of lightning, God does not exist.
B10. Never offer a logical explanation: You should always refrain from common sense. Always choose the most outlandish solution to a phenomenon. By lack of a brain, simply introduce a dedicated particle. Problem solved!
B11. Overlook the obvious.
B12. Again, overlook the obvious.
B13. It is totally unacceptable that someone else knows more than you do. Therefore their works can only be based on mistakes, lies and utter stupidity.
B14. Perpetual Motion or "free energy" is impossible. Although the second law of thermodynamics is merely based on experience, stick to it. Remember, science is a democracy: If we stand together, no one can touch us.
B15. State that energy isn't just energy. In line with the second law of thermodynamics, environmental warmth is a "lower form" of energy from which there's no return ;)
Rules of engagement when finding yourself in a discussion:
C1. When engaged in an argument, never give your opponent an inch. Thou shalt defend our religion for our common good.
C2. Don't accept anyone else's authority on any subject. You are the "king of the hill"; you are the super scientist! (Although we both know the only thing you're good at is parroting.)
C3. If you cannot answer a question, start out stating it is extremely complex and hard to understand for ordinary people. Resort to terms like relativistic, tiny and quantum, and bend towards a more general statement that doesn't answer anything.
C4. Pull rank. Make no secret of being a professor or student; it makes your arguments just a bit heftier, shifting the balance in your favor. Instead of looking for common ground, bluff using vernacular language (words laymen don't understand).
C5. Never say: "I cannot do this" or "I cannot do that". Always say IT can't be done in general. This way you don't give any room to your opponent to beat you at it. In example, say no one can create levitation: Never admit you can't do it yourself, since it leaves leeway for others to excel and pass you.
C6. If IQ it comes into play, remember: The IQ tests your opponent took are shallow & inferior internet questionaries. The IQ tests you took however are thorough and executed in real life by expert psychologists (by lack of, a self-estimate of your IQ is admissible ;). If the IQ of your opponent happens to be higher than yours, it must be a lie.
C7. No matter how reasonable the arguments of your opponent, keep on repeating your initial standpoint up until the final word; wear your opponent out. Remember, you didn't engage in a discussion to make mutual progress; self-confirmation is your goal.
C8. If cornered or uncomfortable, start making stupid jokes to get the sting out of your opponents argument, or distract by nitpicking about grammar and terminology. Changing the subject proves an excellent strategy.
C9. In return, expect "crackpots" to explain everything in minute detail. (Although you have no explanation either =). This puts them in the defense.
C10. Be offensive; tell them not to post, comment or show their face again. You want to silence them; having the last word means you won the argument.
C11. It's also OK to get mad and abusive. After all, questioning mainstream science equals blasphemy. People who dare to doubt your religion are subhuman anyway, and serve no use other than being your doormat.
C12. Name calling, laughing, insulting, mocking, sticking your head into the ground or simply being obnoxious: All is fair in order to protect your bubble. Make sure it's in your nature to do these things; so practice daily!
Ronald van Kemenade, 2014